You know sometimes it seems as if the fates have decided to weigh me in. And ensure that if I manage to scrape through one, I am choked almost immediately by the other. Because I am both a Muslim and a Woman, and of course many other identities such as working woman, mother, writer, bathroom singer ----and yes I take pride in the last! As they say, not really sure at the moment who the ‘they are, but they must have said it at some point, love thyself and thy talents (like singing) before others love you!!
But you know it is these woman and muslim identities that get me. Because I am always in the dock. I realised that just now in Hyderabad at a meeting to do with muslims, media and the usual such stuff. And found all the speakers---of all communities--- starting off fine and then switching almost suddenly to tell me what as a Muslim I should do. I was so mesmerised by their eloquence---my Muslim and non Muslim colleagues---that I forgot that there were hundreds of others too in the auditorium, and felt that they had all ganged up on me, and were not happy with my behaviour at all. Be more forthright, they said. Be more progressive. Work hard. Educate yourself. Do not be fanatical. Do not be conservative. And so on and so forth.
I cringed back into the chair, guilty as hell for not being what they all there wanted me to be, and hoping they would not notice. And as I looked out through the corner of my eye at the others in the auditorium I found that the students were not going through any of these guilt pangs, and some were actually becoming aggressive in their responses. So having covered my head with my dupatta, as a good woman should, I wondered at my reaction of deep guilt. And the need to somehow stand up and assure the good men on the dais--- of course no more than a woman or two up there---that they could count on ME! I would do what they wanted, starting now.
And realised that actually they were doing to me as a Muslim, what they do to me as a woman. Of course their intentions are good, and they are saying it only for my benefit, and how does it matter that I am an adult, I am after all a Urdu speaking minority who knows little English, so everyone else has the right to tell me how to behave and how to correct my behaviour. Just as they tell me what to do as a woman. Even to the point of telling me how to make the chapatis, just when I thought that at least I was doing that pretty well.
As a woman too they all talk down to me, not the women of course, just the men. They tell me how to do my job, what to say when, how to strategise, what questions to ask my boss, how to deal with my colleagues, even how to get my house painted! And I listen because if they do not tell me I might not be able to manage you know, even though of course I am seen as successful in my area of work, and actually---believe it or not---take decisions on my own. But these men, they have my interests in mind, and their lectures are for my good. Of course I do not lecture them, as they are men and know best ---certainly better than me as a woman. And of course there are those housewives who look at me while I am being lectured, and tell me to listen until my ears drop off.
So you see I barely get away from it, I am always being told what to do. And live with a sense of guilt as I am told that I am not doing any of what they want me to do. Which is why they repeat it constantly….but of course they mean well. And I need them to tell me what to do,
I sometimes wonder though---you know when the ears start dropping off and rush some passionate blood into my head---but then I quickly get rid of these unseemly thoughts lest I appear rebellious. Thats not good. And quickly tell myself, count your blessings girl. What if you had been a Dalit who had become a Muslim who had remained a woman?? The babble of advice then might have crippled you for ever! Or if not that then the ghar wapsi would most certainly have got you good.