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This is a book unique for more than one reason. It has been written by 15 good writers including the editor, 13 women including 2 daughters, and 2 men. They cover a long period starting from 1950, when the Indian Foreign Service, technically speaking, was 3 years young.
The title is captivating. But what exactly does it mean? In common parlance, diplomacy is associated with champagne, mink coat, and glamour. That common impression is not always right.
Essentially the book is the untold story of how the family of the diplomat, especially the spouse and children living in a foreign country, address the challenges, the surprises, as they coped with the utterly unexpected again and again.
For example, Reshmi Ray Dasgupta, whose father A K Ray joined the service in 1950. “Ma would recall how her early struggles with German once led to a peek on the cheek from a shop assistant in Berlin. She had wanted to buy a cushion (kissen in German) and inadvertently said “kussen” which means kissing!”
Yet another unforgettable event is her encounter with President John Kennedy. Prime Minister Nehru was visiting Washington. “It was a magical time, with banquets, concerts, and even a trip to Disneyland and Hollywood, where mother’s dinner partner, Marlon Brando scribbled Shakespearian sonnets on her napkin. At a White House gala for the visiting Indian leader, she was admiring the paintings when she was tapped on the shoulder. She turned around and a man said, ‘Hello, my name is John. What’s yours?’ An extraordinary conversation then ensued between a president and a lady.’ Gayatri Ray,’ said Ma, awestruck.
‘Ray? You are Bengali!’
She was astounded.’ How did you know I’m Bengali?’
He flashed that famous smile. ’Ray …like Satyajit Ray? So, you’re Bengali!’
She was floored.”
How time has changed, dear reader! Can you imagine a similar event at the White House or the Rashtrapati Bhawan?
Yet another suspenseful story is Reshmi’s birth when the 1965 war was on and her father head of India’s diplomatic mission in Dacca. That, dear reader, you better read yourself!
Hema Devere’s account of posting to Sikkim, The Lost Kingdom, is a treat. “When we went to Sikkim, we were on a foreign posting. After we left, it was no longer one. We were witness to the writing of this page of history.” She herself gives a historically correct, succinct account in 11 pages.
Kusum Budhwar in her Calendars, Clocks and Confusion sums up Ethiopia’s history so beautifully in two sentences. There follows an explanation why she and Ambassador Prem were greeted with the slogan ‘Land of Thirteen Months of Sunshine’.
Invitations were issued for a reception from 4 PM to 6PM for the Republic Day. By 6 P M none from the host government turned up. Food items were being removed when the Minister of Foreign Affairs appeared. Soon the Foreign Secretary materialized. Prem and Kusum, concealing surprise, extended a warm welcome. “The atmosphere changed immediately , all formality dropped and a spirit of bonhomie filled the room.” The party lasted long and the next day the diplomatic corps wanted to know the secret magic of Prem and Kusum!
Kusum sums up, “I always walked in step with my husband, and took my role as a representative of my country equally seriously.”
Kusum Tayal takes us to South Africa, her first stint abroad when Skand was posted as Consul General in Johannesburg. The year was 1995.
The Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) was in session. Despite Skand’s “skepticism”, Kusum went along with a friend. It was a unique experience. “I came out of the room with tears flowing down my cheeks, unable to comprehend how cruel someone could be to a fellow human being.”
Dear reader, till now we have heard only from women. Let us see what a man married into the IFS has to say.
Ajay Shankar, I A S, who retired as Secretary (Industries) in his Memories of an Accidental Diplomatic Spouse takes us to Germany where Meera was sent to learn German. His experience of speaking in German was slightly different from that of Reshmi’s mother. While shopping Ajay spoke in German and he was “invariably mistaken for a poor immigrant, a Turkish Gastarbeiter (guest worker).” He adopted a different technique by speaking in English with an American accent and using his American Express card. “The change was dramatic”.
Did anyone foresee the 2008 financial crisis? When Meera was ambassador in Germany, “a select dinner gathering including the 90-year-old former Chancellor Helmut Schmidt, Amartya Sen, and the Ikea founder Ingvar Kamprad speculated on the next biggest global risk. “Schmidt, who had been silently inhaling snuff and smoking non-stop was prophetic in his reply : the risk to the world economy from the collapse of one of the unregulated funds-and this was a whole year and a half before the global financial crisis.” The reference is to the 2008 financial crisis.
Smita Purushottam’s piece “A Daughter’s Perspective, Moscow” makes fascinating reading. Her father Purushottam was in the Embassy in Moscow. She joined high school at 14, she sank to the bottom of the class as she knew no Russian. By the ninth grade she delivered a eulogy on Gandhi in Russian.
When she started her final year Purushottam was transferred. Smita and her mother spoke to Purushottam to get the transfer delayed. They got the impression that he was doing nothing about it.
After he passed away, Smita found out from MEA files that her dad had represented to the ministry seeking delay. The request was denied as the ambassador in Moscow wanted to get rid of him as early as possible.
Why? He resented Purushottam’s easy access to the higher echelons in the system. “My mother used to proudly say that a Politburo member bid Papa farewell in person, which led to gnashing of teeth from the new Ambassador who objected strenuously to my dad’s meeting with him.”
Purushottam ignited the company with his jokes and repartees. He was a workaholic, not sparing time to attend to his health. “In New York he continued to work himself to the bone; work always gravitated to the most competent and sincere officers. My mother informed me that he attended conferences for thirty-six hours at a stretch.”
I remember the sudden passing away of Purushottam who was Deputy Permanent Representative in New York. I was Acting High Commissioner in Ottawa. Natwar Singh accompanied by Purushottam was expected and I had invited them to dinner. I was dismayed not to see Purushottam when Natwar Sigh arrived. Asked about Purushottam, I was told that he had left us. I was crestfallen. That evening we talked only about him.
Asiya Hamid Rao’s You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby takes me to my old haunt Vienna.
Asiya and Hamid were taking M F Husain to the iconic Sacher café on the Karntner Strasse. Husain was refused admission as he was barefooted. A call to the Chief of Protocol got him admission.
Asiya concludes, “Sometimes when I ponder on my personal journey starting from a modest background, I can’t help thinking, ‘You’ve come a long way, baby!
But then I wonder, ‘Have I really?’
The last piece ‘Marionettes in Disguise’ by the outstanding editor is the delicious dessert of this unforgettable dinner!
Why “Marionettes”?
We diplomatic spouses are a global phenomenon, the ‘observers’ in contrast to our partners.
The single quotes say it all!
The publisher has done a splendid job.
This book should be translated into Indian languages and into the languages of all the postings talked about, including German, French, Spanish, Russian, Tajik, Arabic, and so on!
There are 15 contributors consisting of spouses and children of diplomats. Most of the spouses are women.
The style is alluring and the editor Jayshree is a spouse and writer.
There is a common impression of associating diplomacy with champagne, mink coat, and glamour. That impression is wrong. Diplomats often find themselves in perilous situations, and the spouses as mothers struggle to bring up children abroad face a range of challenges, not to mention the imperative need to attend to official entertainment, often without adequate domestic staff.
Paucity of space-time does not permit me to give the reader a foretaste of this book. Without being invidious let me mention only a few of the contributions.
The first entry-Beyond the Call of Matrimony- is by Reshmi Ray Dasgupta, daughter of Ambassador A. K. Roy, born in what is now Bangladesh. He joined the Indian Foreign Service in 1950.
While Ray was posted to Washington in the early 1960s, Mrs. Ray was attending a reception in honor of Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru. “It was a magical time, with banquets, concerts and even a trip to Disneyland and Hollywood where my mother’s dinner partner Marlon Brando scribbles Shakespearian sonnets on her napkin.”
Indeed Reshmi, alas, is right. Those of us who have attended the banquets at Rashtrapati Bhawan, or the Hyderabad House where rigid formality reigns can very well imagine and envy the ‘magical time” when Nehru and Kennedy met.
The most interesting and suspenseful account is Reshmi’s own coming into this world.
The Other Side Of Diplomacy, Edited by Edited by Jayshree Misra Tripathi, Westland Nonfictions, Chennai, 2025,Pages, 169, Price Rs.599
Ambassador K.P.Fabian retired from the Indian Foreign Service.
