NEW DELHI: Dear Nationalist.

Let me make it clear at the very beginning, lest you send your trolls and your mobs after me, that I am a wannabe nationalist. I know I have not made the cut as yet, as sometimes these doubts creep in, this sneaking admiration for students like Kanhaiya Kumar starts hovering in the background, but let me tell you I am trying. And trying hard as I know that the way forward is to be embraced by nationalists, to become powerful like the lawyers who can beat the law with impunity, become celebrities like those news anchors who insist the truth is as they see it, morphed or otherwise, and generally be in the loop rather than outside it. As being outside it is to be threatened, abused by a vicious mob on the social media and come on, in India today, it is far better to be the abuser than the abused---right? More so as the abused can be charged with sedition, while the abuser is garlanded.

No, dear nationalist, my doubts have vanished with this first paragraph. I am indeed a bhakt knocking at your door, so do let me in.

Now let’s start with sedition. Thats sexy and has kept some of the big television channels very busy. The anchors bayed for blood in their television studios----how exciting is that ---while the trolls churned up passions on the social media, and Ministers hollered with passion inside Parliament, and of course the hardline leaders called for revenge from other cities, and so sedition it was.

I am glad you are taking all those British laws seriously as like your forefathers I too think these Englishmen did set fine principles. And charging people like Gandhi and others with sedition was a good move. What would have happened if Golwalkar,Savarkar were so charged eh? That would have been unforgivable. So let’s catch the Gandhi bhakts today, these anti-nationals like Arvind Kejriwal, Rahul Gandhi. Sitaram Yechury, D.Raja and all that lot speaking of dissent, and debate, and the Constitution of India and the national flag. I mean look at that Rahul Gandhi he said that the national flag is not a piece of cloth, but imbued with all kinds of qualities that he dragged out of the Constitution. I know you have taken the oath on the Constitution in Parliament but come on, you can tell me, this is not exactly the book you believe in right? I, like you, admire the RSS for not flying the national flag for so many years but insisting that we all do. Of course there has been a change of heart recently, and the media said that the flag was now flying on the RSS headquarters. A sign of weakness don’t you think? Surely, that was not necessary, at least not at this stage when we were so far ahead in pinning those guys down.

I hope you have noticed that I am writing as ‘we’ now. Okay so now lets just get all of them for sedition as I was saying, its a good law and we can catch the students, their teachers, their supporters, these Dalits who are getting too aggressive, the Muslims who anyways are all jihadists and perhaps there are some even more draconian laws to get them with----or lynch them straight why not? Our ---again notice the ‘our’---television channels can orchestrate the hanging by first describing them as jihadists and anti-nationals, then demanding action, and then increasing the decibels to levels of hysteria that will then give you the space and the justification to act. After all that happened with Afzal Guru didn’t it, he was hung by the media long before he was actually executed? And his family was not even informed. Oh dear, there I go again, this stupid streak of humanity makes my case so weak. Ignore it dear Nationalist, this streak is getting weaker as the sentiment of hate and anger takes control.

Yes as I was saying---I seem to be digressing all the time--- let us get these Muslims, Christians, Dalits, Adivasis. And let us get all those in Bihar---we must as this Kanhaiya Kumar is from Bihar--- who voted against us. Maybe we can slap a sedition case against the entire state. And while we are it, let me help with this little whisper: what about the Bhumiyars? Last I heard they are very proud of Kanhaiya, now that is being very very seditious. Right? What about Delhi. That was ‘nationalist’ wasn’t it earlier and turned under the influence of Kejriwal. Lets get all the residents here too. And we should also pick up all those artists, actors, directors, historians, writers, to begin with. We can deal with those government servants---many of them by the way from that den of anti nationals JNU---later. There is time.

We need an India free of the Left---and here I need to ask one small question. I heard your Minister Arun Jaitley tell the CPI(M) and CPI in Parliament that they are the good guys now, and the bad ‘uns are the Maoists. Is that true? I mean was he saying that Kanhaiya Kumar is good, after all he is with the student wing of the CPI? Is he serious? Or am I just confused? Or is he confused? Or is the RSS not very sure? So if they are good, then do we remove the sedition charges from Raja and Yechury and Kanhaiya and the rest?

Okay let’s reserve judgement on that for the time being but let’s get rid of the ‘Maoists, the terrorists and the jihadists”. That we must. And while the courts take a long time, let us at least ensure that they are tried and hung within a couple of days on television by our star anchors. And we can get some of our leaders to decry their existence, and even get posters up offering rewards for their heads. Like in the old wild West comic books. Get them for a bounty! Have our own vigilante mobs, our own sheriff ( maybe former Police Commissioner Bassi can get this job) and there you are, a parallel system supported by British laws, American guns and boots, and jurisprudence that prefers the noose around the tree to the courts that anyways have a huge backlog to tackle.

Maybe you should appoint me as an advisor to the government. I don’t want to praise myself but I know as a nationalist I should learn to. These anti-nationals used to have a stereotype: beards, jholas, kurtas, skull caps, pajamas, that sort of fitted the jihadists and the Maoists. But now their tribe seems to have increased dramatically and they have started looking like everyone. But there is a way to find them out: ask them if they believe in free speech, in discussion and debate, in peace and not war, in human rights to begin with. Three yesses and you have them: all anti-nationals. Four yesses and you can slap them with sedition and take them in. And perhaps, we need to have a vision too, let’s start constructing more jails and getting more bhakts into the police as we will need more space and more men in uniform. Our women are pretty good too, as our Ministers have demonstrated time and again and we can have a good woman commando force in place to strike as and when required.

The other way to smell these people out is to observe their behaviour pattern. They do not threaten and abuse; they do not become part of mobs that visit peoples houses and lynch them; they like to go by the law and not outside it; their lawyers take out peaceful demonstrations and do not thrash the dissenters (can you believe that?); they do not clamour for war (like our own tv anchors), in fact they oppose it; they do not start communal violence but actually rush their to extinguish the flames (how anti-national can they get, really); they speak for the poor, the oppressed, the marginalised (absurd really for it is through marginalising and oppressing people that true power can really rise); they ask for their rights and their freedoms citing the Constitution of India (bhatke hue log hain ye and it is our job to make sure they see our way)...

Oh it is a long list dear Nationalist but if you bring me in, I can assure you that I will point each and every anti-national out to you. Of course in the process we might find that we are just a small minority somewhere in a corner, but never fear. The power is with us, and we will teach these Indians a lesson. Oh did I say Indians, I meant anti-national Indians calling themselves national and saying you are anti-national...Sedition, I say!

I will leave you with these inspiring thoughts dear bhakt. By the way women, at least most of them, are anti-national too and need to be restrained, constrained and effectively placed into the gender trap of disempowerment, step by step starting with mobile phones and jeans. They need to go back into the kitchens---a few more khap pronouncements will start this ball rolling.

Meanwhile from one wannabe-almost-there nationalist to another,

Satyamev Jayate!

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