NEW DELHI: Delhi is a hell hole. As I type this, I can hear cars blaring their horns, people shouting at each other, cows mooing, dogs yapping, and dhin-chak Punjabi music adding to the din but doing little to drown out the other sounds. I rarely go out. In addition to the chaos, I cannot be fussed to pay a thousand rupees (ten quid) for a glass of chardonnay at a dingy joint where the waiter cannot even pronounce chardonnay. Thank god for unenforced piracy laws -- without Popcorn Time (google it if you haven’t heard of it), I would not survive this city.

However, every now and then I have binged on TV shows and there is nothing (believe it or not) to watch. Also every now and then, I have to show face at a social-do -- usually a friend’s birthday, a wedding or a “hell yea I’m leaving Delhi” goodbye party. On these rare occasions, I have to step out; I have join the revelry (umm) and be part of Delhi’s oh-so-exciting (note the sarcasm, please) nightlife.

Without fail, on those rare occasions, I am reminded brutally and harshly, yet again, why I hate going out in the darn city.

1. (Almost) everything shuts early but (almost) everyone arrives late


Delhi folk are a strange bunch. They are well aware of the limits of the city’s nightlife; they complain all the time about how everything shuts early, for instance. Yet, unlike their Bangalorean or Bombay counterpart -- who have taken on the draconian shutting down of places early to create a culture of day drinking -- the Delhi folk only show up after 11 PM, even though the place of choosing shuts at 1 AM. On any given night, there will be hordes of Delhi cattle -- umm, I mean people -- crowded out of a bar that has kicked them out, plastic glasses in hand, trying to figure out what to do now. As if this 1 AM kickout is an aberration. You know it was going to happen, why didn’t you a) come early or b) figure out what to do next ?!! As they say, no good decisions are made after 2 AM, which is when the Delhi folk descend upon someone who can be bullied into offering their house or one of the three places in the city that stays open till early morn.

2. There are five million places in the city but everyone shows up at the same one

54 million people live in the National Capital Region (that is Delhi, Gurgaon, Noida and a bunch of other less significant cities). Let me repeat that. 54 MILLION PEOPLE LIVE IN NCR. I think Delhi needs to impose a rule that gives preferential treatment to those who live within a kilometer of where the bar/club/restaurant in question is located. Headed to PCO in Vasant Vihar? Well you jolly well live in Vasant Vihar else that passcode ain’t gonna work! This single rule will save Delhi’s nightlife. Why? Because although every locality has its own market -- with its own shops, bars and restaurants -- the people of Delhi all like to pack in like sardines, push, shove and smell each other’s armpits. Nothing else would explain why Hauz Khas Village is the mess it is on Fridays and Saturdays. Same with some other places in Delhi. Keya - for instance. The bar in Vasant Kunj is packed to the point that getting a drink is entirely impossible, yet day after day, hundreds of pre pubescent kids and overgrown adults throng the entrance of this bar posturing as a club. Why? I will never know.

3. RIP Delhi nightlife


Okay so I’m bitter. But that’s because I have experienced what Delhi is capable of. Once upon a time the city had a nightlife worth being proud of. If you’re reading this and remember Climax you will agree with me.

4. F*** the police!


Ever been at a party, getting into the swing of things, only to have the music stop and people start whispering about how the “cops have come.” If you’ve gone out in Delhi, this would have happened. Quite often, the organizers/hosts are able to bribe the cops (the going rate is a couple of thousand rupees and/or a bottle of liquor) and the party resumes. The problem here is that for people who can’t afford to pay off the cops -- individuals and the smaller bars/restaurants -- they’re shut down even though they’ve remained honest. For those individuals, who are happy to shell out a few thousand bucks and partake with a bottle or two every time a cop car comes around, and those clubs that are owned by those powerful enough to make sure there are no cop disturbances -- it is business as usual.

5. The fights


Another familiar scenario: out on a Friday night and suddenly you hear bottles breaking, people screaming and fists pounding. Initially, this used to alarm me, till I realized that fights are a regular Delhi nightlife fixture. Sometimes, the hooligans are chucked out, only to be let in the next night. Other times, they’re far too valuable as customers to do anything other than stand back and watch. Pass the popcorn and a shot of tequila please!

6. Everyone is in love with the Coco!



We don’t mean just the song.

7. Enters Club, Stares At Girls


This is why girls night is not a thing in Delhi.

8. A night out in Delhi involves only this…


Honestly, one of the reasons why I hate Delhi’s nightlife is because everyone who is part of it is more interested in documenting the night for the next day (filters slapped on super thick) rather than enjoying the night for what it is.

9. The winter walk of shame


Delhi in the winter gets quite cold. Close to zero degrees. Yet, the city’s bars, restaurants and clubs have never heard of the concept of a coat room. So either you a) bundle up nice and warm and then get stuck carrying your coat around in the club whilst everyone spills their drinks over you and it or b) dress like it’s summer outside and then proceed to catch a cold (and possibly frostbite/ pneumonia) when you walk out at 5:30 am. Thanks Delhi, you considerate bastard.

10. The crowd


Is it just me or did Delhi once upon a time have a decent crowd of folk? Today all you see is:

  • Rich kids spending daddy’s money and demanding bottle service at a bar that doesn’t even have tables
  • Princesses with blonde highlights who shriek with excitement when Honey Singh’s latest tune comes on
  • Boys in v-neck shirts who spend the day pumping iron and the night knocking back vodka soda (it has less calories, didn’t you know?)
  • The HKV hipster who doesn’t realize there is nothing hipster about HKV
  • The EDM fan who attends all the EDM gigs but has never heard of the artist/DJ before that very day

Thanks, but no thanks. I love you Popcorn Time.

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