NEW DELHI: My previous article, Ten Reasons Why I Hate Going Out in Delhi, generated quite a stir. It seemed to hurt the sensitive Dilliwallah, whose predictable response to anything they disagree with it is stringing together random expletives and shouting them out.

On re-reading my article I realized something painfully obvious: the reason why I hate going out in Delhi boils down to the type of people that go out in Delhi. The same people that contribute to broken bottles and loud curse-word laden denials that will ensure that this city remains the mediocre hell-hole (yes I said it again) that it is.

This article, hence, is a guide to the ten types of people you will meet in Delhi (pay special attention to number 9 and 10).

1. The girl with the blonde highlights

She wears a Gucci belt but pronounces it Goo-Ki.

2. The expat who is in India but knows only other expats

They’re here for the “true Indian experience” aka hanging out with other expats at expat-only events, with a token Indian -- who speaks in a misplaced Americandian accent -- thrown in for good measure.

3. The hipster

Someone told me that the Delhi hipster hangs out at Shahpur Jat and Meherchand market. I have a better way to identify the Delhi hipster. The Delhi hipster loves Wild City. In fact, click on the “attending” list of many a Wild City party on Facebook and meet the city’s hipster folk.

4. The electronic music fan who attends all the electronic music gigs but has never heard of the artist/DJ before that very day

If you’re in Delhi and attended the Pretty Lights gig a few weeks ago (3 April to be exact) give me a yay. If you’re in Delhi and attended the Pretty Lights gig a few weeks ago and had heard of Pretty Lights before you bought your ticket -- give me a yay. I rest my case.

5. Daddy’s sperm

Remember Manu Joseph’s article “It’s A City Of Undeserved Privilege”? Well, number 5 reiterates the rhetorical question that Joseph asked in the article: “What is the great pride in driving your father’s BMW, what is the glory in being a sperm?”

6. The South Delhi princess

She can pronounce Gucci but cannot name the President of our country.

7. The jhola-folk

“I’m from JNU and I carry a jhola.” I also post pretentious statuses and want to change the world with my bum planted on that rock within JNU campus.

8. The “rockers”

These guys are the ones with the long hair and Metallica t-shirt who will tell you that the music scene in India is being killed. Killed by whom? Those organisers and dumb-herd crowd who listen to the dumb-talentless-push-the-button-make-music DJs. **Cough** jealous much? **cough**

9. This guy

This guy’s response to anything is random cuss words. F*** critical thinking, he says, then goes on to shout and scream without making even one valid point. All these things happen in Delhi, yes -- he agrees, but F*** You Mallika, you entitled B****, for saying them. How dare you?! Yes people get into unnecessary fights in Delhi, but how dare you fault them, you f****** b****?! Yes people show up late in Delhi, but how dare you call them out on it you f****** b****?! Yes people freeze in the winter, but real estate is too expensive for a cloak room (umm…) you f****** b****!!

Basically, this Delhi guy is too busy wanting to pick a fight with you (read breaking bottles over your head and/or randomly shouting cuss words at you) that he doesn’t even realize that he pretty much agrees with you in the first place, you f****** b****!

10. This girl

This girl is critical of aspects of the city she calls home, and chooses to voice them. Because of that, she’s considered “elitist”, “pretentious”, “stupid”, “a bad journalist” and so on.

I get that people are angry, but in true Dilli-style, they’ve told me to f*** off, without really explaining a) why they’re so angry and b) what part of what I have said they actually even disagree with. The only contention seems to be that “this happens in every city so f**** you Mallika.” For anyone who has stepped outside of Delhi, you’d know that the reasons that make up Ten Reasons Why I Hate Going Out in Delhi are far more characteristic of Delhi than other cities. The random fights, the inability to show up on time, the freezing winters sans a winter wardrobe, the corrupt cops, the one single “trending” place, etc are far more characteristic of Delhi than say London, LA, Bangalore or Bombay.

But if shouting and screaming and telling me to f*** off makes you feel better, suit yourself. Go ahead and live in denial, you’re better off than I am tbh.

(This article is an opinion piece that appears on Young Citizen and does not represent the views of the publication. The Citizen maintains that the article contains stereotypes/generalisations and should be read accordingly).