What On Earth Is ‘Sickular’?

My dear Indians,

This is TED, speaking on behalf of The English Dictionary. You Brilliant people, who have openly accepted me in place of your own mother tongues; You, who are the inventors of a whole new language; You, who always keep me on tenterhooks with your new creations. You totally baffle me!

You generate gobs of words which only you can understand. Most are created for multiple reasons; some out of ignorance; some to amuse your friends; and a few to insult your enemies.

Whenever I come across such terms it feels like I have stepped into the Far Side Cartoon. Even though it makes me want to reprimand you, I shut myself up with a bang and feel amused with your naïve Indian vocabulary. I watch and wait for it to fade away from the record once the damage is done.

However, there are some quaint ones embedded in your identities which are so charming, I actually don’t mind adopting them. In fact some are so colourfully complex, even I have trouble cracking the codes.

Imagine ME, who is credited as an unsurpassed guide to the meaning, history, and pronunciation of millions of words from all across the English-speaking world! Hence my admiration for you grows stronger by the minute

But. There are also some recently coined ‘offensive’ terms that send me into a tizzy state of mind. Like when you accuse someone in English of being an ‘AndhBhakt’, my thesaurus gets dizzy.

When I work on it I realise it is a compound word which literally translates to a ‘Blind Devotee’. Since both ‘blind’ and ‘devotee’ are within my pages, the usage seems legitimate. But when words like ‘Lutyens Delhi’, ‘Khan Market Gang’, and ‘Urban Naxals’ are all contemptuously dismissed as ‘Libtards’, I am not only boggled, even my pages seem ruffled.

What on earth is a libtard? Is it a flowery insult used by conservative trolls to characterise liberals as stupid? Is it a political slur intended to cast aspersions on purportedly ‘retarded’ liberals by contracting the words ‘liberal’ and ‘retard’ together? Or is it part and parcel of a common modern political tendency to demonise and belittle the intelligence of anyone who disagrees with someone?

Therefore, even if I fail to get it, I bow down to this provoking, pointless animus amongst you humans, and humbly accept it. BUT. Of all the gaudy words that have been created and continue to be invented, I take strong objection to only one. Just ONE!

Stemming from the term ‘pseudo-secular’ and morphed in such a way that it becomes nauseating in nature, this particular word is the king of all liberal insults. Yes, you got that right. The word is ‘Sickular’.

Some of you may think that it suggests a deceitful, opportunistic form of secularism, which it is not. But before we dissect on why it pains me, let us first study Morpheme, the smallest meaningful unit in any language.

Take for example ‘Desire’, which is by itself one word. But when you say ‘desirable’ it carries two morphemes- ‘desire+able’. The word ‘desirability’ has three morphemes- ‘desire+able+ity’. And ‘undesirability’ has four morphemes- ‘un+desire+able+ity’. So in my morphology of thoughts, it took me a while to decipher this unfortunate term.

As far as I know (and believe me, I am a dictionary and I KNOW) the word ‘secular’ which stands all by itself, is in fine fettle. It does not need any unhealthy morphemes attached to it. It also does not need any ailing spell change.

In my counterparts, there are many definitions. In contemporary English, ‘secular’ is primarily used to distinguish something like an attitude, belief, or position that is not specifically religious or sectarian in nature. But my definition of a ‘secular’ person in simple language, is of someone who respects all religions and beliefs and who wants to live in peace and harmony.

So yes, I am well and truly confused. Isn’t this also what your Indian Constitution is all about? So I fail to understand, why ANYONE who advocates for moderation in the face of extremism; why ANYONE who supports any kind of inclusive thinking; why ANYONE who is balanced in their responses or their behaviour, is immediately put under this sick category?

The reason I’m writing this letter is because I love you Indians. I am always in awe of your every State’s ability to not only distort, but also bend and twist my babies to the point of entertainment. When you post a bizarre sign that reads ‘Child Bear Sold Here’ in a shop that sells chilled beer, it makes me all wobbly and woozy.

When the normal world uses 'graduation' or 'convocation' but you ‘Pass Out’ from College, I join in the applause wholeheartedly. But as a helpful guide, I’d like to politely point out that if you ever ‘pass out’ in America or Australia or even in Britain, you would probably be rushed to a hospital, not lauded. So be careful my dear friends.

There’s also nothing more amusing that while the rest of the English world ‘harbours a doubt’ if they are sceptical of someone's ability, for you to ‘have a doubt’ means you have a question about something. I doubt if anyone will even be able to understand this highly intellectual but uncertain theory.

And of course, when you don’t want to postpone a meeting but reschedule it ahead of its intended time, what do you do? Simple. You literally use the antonym for ‘post’ and ‘prepone’ it! WOW! Seriously people, I am just a Dick. But you guys are the real walking talking encyclopedias!

But right now I am afraid. Afraid of this particular ‘ailing’ word called ‘Sickular’. I am afraid that this new ‘off colour’ and queasy term might stealthily squirm its way and become a part of me soon. You see, when an idea is planted vigorously and is constantly nourished with repetition, it usually takes root.

Just like the law of propaganda, where a lie that is repeated often enough, soon begins to sound like the truth. So, here’s an earnest appeal. To continue to remain in my good book, kindly refrain from adding words that are likely to corrupt my pages.

If you force it on me, I have no option, because unfortunately, I don’t have any inbuilt security system that will allow me to puke out the poison. Moreover, my concern is also for you. A constant reiteration of toxic words is also injurious to your speech as well. So don’t repeat it so often that the world gets sick and tired of it.

Repetition doesn’t create awe. Novelty does. So for your sake; for the sake of your nation; AND for the sake of another beautiful word from my pages called ‘Democracy’, which is in danger of dying a slow death, I request you to kindly delete this frail and unfit word from the lexicons of your tongue. Let the ‘secular’ world alone. Do not attach anything which is in bad taste. Let it heal and grow strong on its own. Thanking you in advance,

Yours affectionately,

TED

An acronym for The English ‘Dictionary.

P.S. This is just a ‘TED’ talk. There is nothing personal or colonial about any of the above. And it isn’t any international conspiracy to defame any particular language either.