NEW DELHI: As a former student, I would like to suggest four locations where tanks need to be deployed in the Jawaharlal Nehru University (JNU).

But first you might ask, whydoes a university, a place where new ideas take birth, require a tank? Well the Vice-Chancellor of the university recently requested two Union ministers to “help us (JNU) procure an Army tank so that we can put it in a prominent place in JNU. The presence of the Army tank will constantly remind thousands of students who pass through this university about the great sacrifices and valour of the Indian Army”.

But the V-C only wants to station a non-functional tank at some prominent location in the university. May I humbly suggest that that such a tank will have no effect on the ‘anti-national’ students of JNU. Can a non-functional tank deter the spirit of the students who conspire to break the country into pieces? My answer is a firm NO.

I have an insider’s knowledge, and let me suggest four locations where ‘seditious’ activities take place on a regular basis. How do I know about these places? You guessed it right: I myself participated in these activities when I was a student.

1. Ganga Dhaba

Students can ‘break the nation’ only when they have some food in their bellies. Hungry people cannot even protest. This is what happens at the dhaba. First, the students eat their food from the dhaba, and then they start their procession from here (with ‘anti-national’ slogans of course), and it ends at Chandrabhaga hostel. These processions are the root of all problems for the administration, and must be dealt with an iron hand. So a tank at this location can nip the problem in the bud. A tank, obviously, can fire at the procession, and the soldiers can also fire at the crowd. What if innocents get killed in the process? You can always advance the ‘collateral damage’ theory.

2. Sabarmati dhaba

This is the second place where the university needs a tank. You must not forget Mr. V-C that this was precisely the place where Azaadi slogans were raised last year. After their evening tea and samosas, students carry out protest meetings, display images of the brutalities carried out by the Indian state, and give long speeches about the marginalised sections of Indian society. You can ignore this vantage point only at your own peril !

3. Administrative block

I need not elaborate on the significance of a tank at this place. This is the place where students sit on dharnas for weeks. Their slogans disrupt the peaceful environment of your office. If you can permanently take this location from the students, it would, indeed, be a big achievement. A Padma Award from the government is a guarantee.

4. Parthasarthy Rocks

This is the most secretive of all the location in JNU. Most importantly, students come to this place only at night. I am very suspicious about the activities that take place here. I don’t know what boys and girls do here at night. I think all ‘anti-national’ activities can be traced to this location. It is the centre of the ‘love-jihad’ that will destroy our country, and we need to stop it immediately, otherwise people might learn about mutual respect and love. Here, we need a special tank equipped with night vision devices, and you should also plant some listening devices at this location.

I hope that the administration will move quickly on this, and only then, we can make India dependent on western knowledge, and may be it will also bring ‘achhe din’.