Move Over Nukes, It's Pak 'Spy Pigeons' That Are The Real Threat

NEW DELHI: If you watched any of the news channels or opened a newspaper in the past week or two, you’d know that tensions between India and Pakistan are at an all time high. India has accused its neighbour of carrying out a deadly attack on a military base in Uri, killing 18 soldiers. Prime Minister Narendra Modi in a very impassioned speech vowed that “India will never forget Uri.” Pakistan, in turn, responded with denials and with an attempt to rev up Kashmir at the international arena. Night after night on prime time TV, analysts have debated whether India should strike back -- militarily. The prospect of nuclear war has come up several times, as many believe that Pakistan may respond to any military intervention with a nuclear strike.

Amongst all the war clamoring and nuclear apocalypse scenarios, an interesting development was almost lost in the news. A few days ago, Indian authorities apprehended a “spy” from Pakistan. This dear friends, is no small feat, given the fact that it’s Pakistan’s intelligence wing -- the ISI -- whom many Indians blame for Pakistan sponsored terrorism across borders.

To make matters more interesting, this was no ordinary spy. Here’s a report from leading Indian newspaper, the Hindustan Times: “A white pigeon with an Urdu inscription on its wings dropped in a house in Mukerian sub-division’s Motla village late Thursday, raising suspicion that it could be a ‘spy’ from the neighbouring country.”

(Urdu inscriptions on the “spy’s” wings).

Someone known as Naresh Kumar (*bless this great patriot*) informed the police of the sick looking pigeon that had landed on his house. The police (*bless how prompt they are when it is matters of such significance*) quickly apprehended the bird and began their investigation.

They summoned a person who could read Urdu (*it’s a language no one can read, after all *cough* *cough*) and sent the bird for an X Ray to see if something was hidden inside it.

But alas, it turned out this “spy” was very good at keeping its secrets. Mukerian deputy superintendent of police (DSP) Bhupinder Singh told HT that only names of the days were stamped on it. “We sent the bird for an X-ray to verify if something was hidden inside but nothing suspicious was found. As a precaution, we are keeping the avian in our custody for the time being,” he said.

If all this sounds bizarre, I may as well take this opportunity to remind you that this isn’t the first time India has apprehended a Pakistani “spy” pigeon. In March 2015, a “spy” pigeon had also been intercepted. The pigeon, believed to have crossed over from Pakistan, was discovered by 14-year old boy in Pathankot, Punjab, some 4km from the India-Pakistan border.

The boy rushed to hand over the “spy” pigeon to police, who became suspicious after seeing a message in the Urdu language and numbers that police believed were part of a landline telephone number in Pakistan’s Narowal district.

The bird was sent to get x-rayed for clues, but nothing more -- it seems -- was found. The Times of India quoted Pathankot senior superintendent of police (SSP) Rakesh Kaushal saying, “Nothing adverse has been found, but we have kept the bird in our custody.” “This is a rare instance of a bird from Pakistan being spotted here. We have caught a few spies here. The area is sensitive, given its proximity to Jammu, where infiltration is quite common,” he added.

Although it should be a matter of reassurance for Indian security forces that despite technological advances, Pakistan’s choice of spy mode is a pigeon -- the incident placed India as the butt of jokes amongst Pakistani social media users.

Indians, meanwhile, reported that the Pakistanis had covertly declared war.

“That day only I was laughing at the idea of a spy pigeon (India took one, supposedly from Pakistan, into custody) and then today, in a heinous act of aggression, ISI operative pigeon Ghutarghoon Khan swooped down outside Robarts and pooped on my head. Theek hai, bhai, I believe it now. You don't have to keep dive bombing to make your point,” wrote an Indian social media user.

Dang. If the Pakistani “spy” pigeons have infiltrated and declared war (I just had one poop / dive bomb on me too), we don’t stand a chance. Nukes Shukes. This is the poopocalypse, folks. And there’s no winning it.